Living Your Unique is hard.
What can make it even more difficult is surrounding yourself with people who don't understand or value Your Unique. Your environment and the people that you surround yourself with matter. And they matter a lot.
I love the beauty of flowers. I love them even more if they smell good. Roses. Gardenias. Honeysuckle. For a time, I was stuck on having Gardenias fill my porch.
I took care to buy the healthiest flowers. I went to a garden nursery and carefully selected plants with bold dark green leaves and tight buds. I searched for the prettiest pots to complement them.
What I did NOT do is read the instructions for how to keep Gardenias. Gardenias are very particular plants. The soil has to be right. The temperature has to be right. The sunlight has to be right. The dampness of the soil has to be just right.
Well, I did not know any of that so inside of a few weeks my beautiful plants DIED. First the leaves began to drop. Then the buds half-bloomed giving me a glimmer of hope. That hope didn't last long as the whiteness of the half-open flower turned brown and soon was added to my pile of leaves. My plants died from the wrong environment and care.
And I am here to tell you that Your Unique will die if you are in the wrong environment and care of the wrong people.
This looks like unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships that keep us trapped in a cycle of shame, abandonment, anger, and despair.
If we want to be happy and have a life that is thriving and fulfilling, we have to get ourselves into relationships that will help us grow healthy and strong.
How do you know if you are in an unhealthy relationship? Here are 12 signs that you are killing Your Unique with the wrong environment:
You often feel disrespected. Respect is an essential component of any healthy relationship. Name-calling, criticism, and hurtful words damage our self-esteem and confidence. Giving and accepting insults can be a habit that we have learned to accept. Getting out of this habit will free us to appreciate ourselves and demand that others do the same.
Your physical and emotional needs are not being met. Too many of us accept less than what we need or want. We fool ourselves by saying "this is good enough for me." As Les Brown would say, we make an "in life settlement." We all deserve LOVE. And when you embrace that you deserve the best that life has to offer, you will demand that others treat you with care and consideration.
You hear "I don't like you." Sometimes, this is not said outright. Instead you hear things like "You know, you could change...." "You need to lose weight." "Ugh, what are you wearing?" "Is that the best that you can do." When you accept critical remarks and change who you are to be liked, you lose Your Unique.
You are not appreciated. If you are in relationships and no one EVER gives you positive feedback, then it is a sign you are not being fully appreciated. When we let others take us for granted, we are inviting them to disrespect and devalue who we are. People who value and appreciate you will show it.
You are afraid to be yourself. This concept gets straight to the idea of Living Your Unique. When we are afraid to be ourselves, we are in a constant mode of monitoring our environment and filtering our thoughts and words. I am here to tell you that this is EXHAUSTING. Living someone else's idea of your life will leave you bankrupt of Your Unique.
They consistently misunderstand or misinterpret your words and actions. Communication is the cornerstone of any good relationship. When we are not on the "same page" in terms of our thoughts, values, and beliefs, it will cause communication problems. If you find yourself constantly "explaining" what you mean and justifying your actions, it is a sign that the other person is probably not paying much attention to you. Communication takes the effort of all parties involved.
You are not supported. Do they miss important events in your life? Are they there when you need them the most? Most people fail to pursue their dreams and goals for lack of support. When you are in unhealthy relationships, you will NOT receive the support you need to pursue your dreams.
You don't trust them. Too many people stay in relationships where there is a low level of trust. We convince ourselves, again, this is "good enough." We tolerate bad behavior and failed commitments as "this is just the way it is." When you are in relationships with people who are NOT trustworthy, it causes you to lower your own standards. This opens the doorway to creating more unhealthy relationships and you end up surrounded by people going nowhere in life.
There is no laughter in the relationship. If you are serious all of the time, or even worse arguing all of the time, it is a sign that you are in an unhealthy relationship. You should be able to laugh and joke with one another without it leading to an upset in the relationship. People with healthy egos learn to laugh at themselves. People with unhealthy egos and behaviors are always defensive and angry.
You are take on too much responsibility. This is an area where many people get stuck. It is tricky because we are often praised for being responsible and "taking care of things." The problem comes in when we consistently have to take care of things that other people are quite capable of taking care of on their own. This leads to resentment and frustration on our part which then feeds into negative patterns of behavior in the relationship.
They don't respect your privacy. All of us need space in our lives for time alone. People who find it hard to be alone or to respect your boundary for privacy will consistently overstep boundaries. They may take things without your permission. Or go through your personal items without thought. Again, this will lead to anger and resentment on your part and that will feed into negative behavior towards the other person.
You are in a battle for control. Controlling behavior is very unhealthy. No one likes to be manipulated. When we attempt to control other people's decisions, it is a sign that we need to heal from wounds that have left us feeling powerless. When you own your personal power, you don't feel the need to control other people.
You keep everything "between us" and don't seek help for problems. We all need support at one time or another in our lives. Iyanla Vanzant says "We are as sick as our secrets." When we feel like we cannot get support from others to help us navigate life's problems, it will leave us depressed, isolated, angry, and feeling abandoned. People in healthy relationships realize that asking for help is NOT a sign of weakness but a sign of strength.
They don't have time for you. When people consistently don't have time for you, it is a sign that they do NOT value their relationship with you. People make time for what they care about. That is not to say that you should be together every waking minute. But making spaces of time for people we care about is the way we signal our love for them.
They don't SHOW their love. Love is not just a noun. It is an action verb. Love is not what we think. Love is what we do. "People more attention pay to what you do than what you say." Which do you pay more attention to? If you fail to have a requirement for love in action, you will tolerate being in an unhealthy relationship.
You are not growing in the relationship. Loving and Living Your Unique is all about self-growth. If you are in relationship with people who try to keep you "the same," it is a sign that you have stopped trying to grow. Your life will become stagnant. Healthy relationships support growth.
They make you feel bad about being "you." Ultimately, healthy relationships will support you Loving Your Unique. They compliment you on your talents and strengths. They clap for you when you succeed. They support you when you fail. They encourage you to live authentically and just be yourself. Relationships that require you to pretend to be someone that you are NOT will absolutely kill Your Unique.
Getting out of unhealthy relationships can be tough. If you need a tribe that can support you in this process, I have created a closed group on Facebook.
You can escape unhealthy relationships and live your best life ever.
Loving Your Unique will require you to change the dynamics of the relationships that are holding you back. You are worthy of blossoming like a beautiful Gardenia. You are worthy of the life of your dreams.
But it starts by Loving Your Unique. And by knowing that "You are awesome."
